It's a beautiful Sunday, just got back from taking the puppies on a little hike... My way of relieving some of the guilt of thinking I don't spend enough time with them (and they LOVE it!).. and also my way of helping myself lose some weight. ... Always see those memes now "remember when we used to joke that we were fat when we weren't... I'd kill to be that 'fat' now," or something along those lines,

(went and found it afterwards)

Anyways, that's not what was on my mind today.

Today... I'm thinking relationships. Or lack there of. With being newly single, it's definitely something to learn. Especially when you're a bit older. Dating and relationships. What is that anymore? I don't think girls get asked out on dates anymore. There's no romancing or woo-ing (haha).

It seems no one wants to be in a relationship, but they don't want you to be in one either. (That make sense?). No one wants to commit, no one wants to settle down. This world is crazy and moving so fast, I'm struggling to keep up.

I've lived my whole life wanting certain things. Never wanted too much, I don't think anyways. I just wanted an okay job, a nice house, a husband and a family. Clearly, too much. Haha. (I think I was born in the wrong decade).

There's so much freedom now-a-days, all the traveling and whatnot, who wants to settle down, really?!  So many options. Options for everything! One of the hardest decisions is what's for dinner these days! haha the struggle of having too many options. .. And I feel it's that way with people too. There's too many options and I suppose I can't blame anyone for not wanting to settle with just one of those options.... Who wants to settle for a chicken nugget when a filet mignon could be around the corner?

Haha I hope in the scheme of things, I'm worth more than being a nugget (even though they are quite delightful at times). But you get what I mean, why settle when there's just so much available to you. I get it.

I completely get it.
PB

Keeping the Faith

I see it and hear it all the time, but easier said than done. I tell myself I can be a strong independent woman, that anyone would be lucky to have me. But some days are harder than others to believe.

I struggle. And I get worn down. And I’m tired. The worst part, I feel guilty that I feel these things. I feel like in order to get on with life I need to be this superwoman, and that, I am not. I try my best to manage everything; work, the house, shopping, the puppies, chores after chores. Life has become a mundane viscious cycle and it brings me down when I stop and think about it.

I know, I know, ‘keep your head up,’ ‘keep on truckin,’ ‘things will get better,’ ‘you got this,’ ‘you’ll find someone.’ I read the affirmations often and try my best to believe. I want to succeed in life. I still want to be in love and have a family.

I have no option but to succeed!

Suppose I should sleep so I can repeat this track tomorrow..
Goodnight!
PB

Heather Stillufsen

 

I've been pretty obsessed with these Heather Stillufsen quotes that come up on my Pinterest. They're little reminders that things are going to work out. If I'm having a bad day, which still happens often, I tend to post a lot more than I should. But they do mean so much. I don't have to open up to anyone in order to get them, they're just out there for anyone to pick up. Anyone who needs a little confidence boost.

So, thank you to Heather for making these wonderful little affirmations!

Staying positive,
PB

Decision for Mediation

So as I said before, when my husband left, lets call him X for the sake of this blog... when X left, he was only supposed to be gone a week or so. It turned into him living with a friend, going out and getting extremely drunk and partying like a much younger person. I would see all this through various social media platforms...which later I would be blocked from. It was quiet bothersome.

Through this time, him and I still had some communication, but not much. (Communication was the killer for us. As a couple, we never really even argued about anything, I could probably count our arguments on one hand in the whole time we knew each other). Anyways, we had some communication afterward, the biggest part was actually through emails, believe it or not. All-in-all our relationship was just the two of us going through the motions and living together. Things weren't perfect before he left, obviously, and they were like that for some time.

To get a little personal with my side, as if this blog isn't personal enough (haha)... The reason I got married was because I wanted a family. I haven't wanted anything more in my life. When I first started dating X, he didn't want a family because of his childhood not being perfect, lets say. That should have been a big red flag since a family was so important to me. But! we seemed to get along so well and with our dating continuing, we had agreed on one child eventually. (I would have liked more, but who knows where it could have went from there... he also never wanted a dog, and now I have two...). As the relationship grew and time went on, there was always something that needed to be done first. I had to start and graduate college, get a better job, the house needed a million and one things to be done to it so it could be sold. Always something. And I realize now, that with all this passing time in our relationship, I witnessed the majority of our friends, family, and acquaintances starting their own families. I think this killed me inside. With each new couple starting their family, I died a bit more with jealousy. My heart kept breaking because why couldn't that be me? What did they have that I (we) didn't.

I suppose it's better now that we never did end up having children, cause I assume it would make a divorce a lot harder. Or maybe with a family our whole paths and relationship would be different. No one will ever know.

So how did we get to mediation? I watched, mostly silently, all the ridiculous videos of him and his friends going out and acting like teenage idiots.. I watched him enjoy his life to the fullest, without me. He went on vacations. He did whatever he pleased. Meanwhile, I was home, working and taking care of my pups. I wasn't allowed any freedom because I had responsibility. The breaking point for me was seeing something online, that I can't yet disclose, because I never even told him about it yet. So I saw this thing, and that was it, I knew that him saying he missed me was nothing more than fluff. That's when I decided to pull the trigger and contact a lawyer. ..Although, since I didn't want to be a complete asshole, I decided to give him the heads up that come Monday that's what I would be doing.

He was all against the lawyer and wanted to go to mediation. ..which still makes me suspicious with how adamant he was, but the cost was a big factor. Mediation is pretty costly enough..  This took months.. and it was already 4 months of him being gone before I made the decision to contact a lawyer. It was an emotional fuck going to the meetings. I usually broke down in some way before the end.. mostly in anger. I probably looked like an idiot, but I'm an emotional person, can't change that. I had to fight for self preservation. .. Finally, 6 months after he was gone, I said fine, lets go with what he wrote out for an agreement. .. And that's what we did. It's been almost a full year before we had the final agreement and just got it notarized. We still need to wait to go before a judge and all that wonderful stuff. I know I'll get emotional then too, I hope not, I let too much get to me.

I just hope after all is said and done, I still have time for my dream to come true. I'm staying strong and managing by myself, but deep down I know what I want is the same as I've always wanted out of my life.

Here's to staying strong and discovering me,
PB

Taking it back

So let's start this story at the beginning...

Once upon a time.....Justttt kidding. But really, the story goes back over 10 years. I was 22 then, working a job with no future. I never really was one to "go out," but decided to go with some girls at work. Why not? What could go wrong? ..This happened a few nights. On one occasion, I met a boy in a bar that I would, years later, call my husband. (Long story short).

Fast forward to today and I'm going through a divorce. As the kids say, "the struggle 'has been' real." That's why I'm starting this blog. I need some way to vent or share my story. If I turn out to be my only audience, that'll be okay. This is a blog for me, but made public. Maybe someone out there is going through the same, or has been where I am now. I welcome anyone to chime in, if not, that's okay too.

I'm not sure where to start my story or venting. A bit more background is that the physical split and living separately has been a year now. The issues were obviously there for some time prior, but we lacked communication and just kept going through the motions. We have no kids. However, I have my two fur babies with me still. They are my life. They are my struggle and they are my happiest moments. I don't know what I would do without them.

With this blog, I intend to write about my journey in divorce thus far, as well as my day-to-day encounters as they happen. I hope this can help me re-discover me and document my progress to achieving my lifetime goals and becoming a better person.

Stay tuned!

..Or not, that's okay too.

Until next time,
PB