Just My Luck

Where to start... few things have happened since the last entry....

Let's start with the positive.. I got a letter in the mail with a court date for the divorce. I'm hoping it goes smoothly, although, I'm pretty nervous if I'm to be honest. I don't know what to expect and I'm hoping it's a one and done kinda thing. I don't want to have to keep going back to a court to get things finalized. I feel like this has been done and over a long time ago.

Speaking of long time ago.. when I first met X, he was just getting out of a relationship with someone, and she was still lingering when I was talking to him. I actually remember telling him that if he's not done with her, then don't start with me.. or something like that. For the sake of this blog, lets call her BG. So after X and I split, he was hanging out with two other friends who were also getting divorced, one of which, ended up dating BG. Weird to hear she was still around. When X found out about the new couple, he was furious, which was awkward for me... did he still have feelings for her after all these years? Have they been in contact this whole time? I was left to wonder. Well sort of.. I did call him out on it one time during one of his rants about the situation. He claimed there was nothing. This was months ago...let's fast forward to now.
Since I no longer have X on any social media, I have no idea what does or doesn't go on in his life. It was better that way, I suppose. I remember when he first left all the crazy videos that were posted. So anyways, a friend of mine sends me a screenshot from one of X's social media pages. I'm like here we go... after seeing the brand new convertible he bought himself, I could only imagine what was coming next. And there it was... a picture of X and BG out together, sitting at a bar with drinks. There was no caption, just the selfie of the couple.
You know what got me the most? It was the post itself. Not of the who that was in it. I actually called that so long ago, knowing it was bound to happen. So I wasn't surprised at that. What I was surprised of was the actual post. You see, while X and I were together, he was never active on social media, he just kinda had the accounts and watched what everyone else did.. And besides from the sporadic political or sports post, he had no postings. So what irks me the most about this selfie of the couple is the post itself.
X and I were distant for a long while before the breaking point, but there were for sure good times and times we went out and had fun. Did he ever post a single photo of the two of us? No. ..So that's what bothers me. ..So mostly, I assume that post was made to get back to me somehow. Why else would it be there? Do you think he wanted me to see it? Or maybe she wanted me to see it? ...While she was dating our other friend, he also had pictures of the two of them on his social media. Maybe she just likes to be that girl? I don't know.

As for the search for the man of my dreams, no luck there either. I've dated. Basically, I've seen one person since the split, but I had to step back from that because I felt I was headed down the same path. We wanted different things. And he was younger, I don't want to force my dreams on anybody. I shouldn't have to right? I need to find a man who wants the same things as me from the start!
So, story time... I went out to dinner with one of my girlfriends this weekend, then we decided to walk down to a bar and have another drink. As we were sitting there, I decided to download a dating app she told me about. So we're there swiping away and all of the sudden this guy pops up that I recognize. He's someone I've followed on instagram. How random.. So I decided to swipe right! My friend instantly became an FBI agent, and was going through all his social media and checking into him. haha gotta love friends like that! Shout out to my girl ! She's been there for me throughout this whole rollercoaster.
I digress... So the next morning when I woke up and opened my app with the hopes of a message from my IG man, nothing. I was like damn, so I started my own investigation. It took me a little bit to realize how to find him on fb, but when I did, I added him as a friend. When he accepted, as I was messaging my girl throughout the whole thing, I decided to make the first move and say hey. To my surprise, I got a fairly quick response. Yay!
Him and I had a very prolonged chat that whole Sunday. I was like yes! Monday comes, more prolonged chatting. By the end of the night, I wanted to get down to business, so to speak. I asked the dreaded questions like what are you looking for. His response was "I want to seriously date someone. I just don't want to settle either without being sure."
Okay, that sounded great to me. Finally, someone who is mature and not just saying, "show me your titties," like it seems most guys online seem to do, (to which I do NOT oblige btw).
So then on to the next risky question... day 2 and I'm asking these things, I feel like a crazy person. .. so I asked it. The awkward children question. .. You see, this IG guy has a kid already, but I feel at my age, I just need to accept that's gunna happen. So I did (his pics with her seems so damn adorable, it's hard to not wanna squeeze them both). I asked if he wanted to have more kids. ... I had to wait until the next morning (today) to get the answer, because it was so late at night... It was stressful, like did I overstep too quick and make things awkward too fast? What if he doesn't want kids?
I purposely left my phone ringer on, so I could hear when he responded. Good ol 630 this morning I awake to the ding. The ding I've been fearing...
First sentence is "I am having a son next month." Wha-Wha-Whaaaat? He continued by saying "Me and the mom aren't together but we both wante to have our son. But yes I do want kids."
I was literally in bed, wide awake by this answer like what in the actual fuck?! My mind is still blown at the situation. I was getting comfortable and okay with the realization that people my age may have kids already, but having one on the way?! How can I ...I just don't even know. I don't know how to feel right now.

And with that, my ass is gunna be late to work. Gotta get moving.

Forever alone,
PB

It's a beautiful Sunday, just got back from taking the puppies on a little hike... My way of relieving some of the guilt of thinking I don't spend enough time with them (and they LOVE it!).. and also my way of helping myself lose some weight. ... Always see those memes now "remember when we used to joke that we were fat when we weren't... I'd kill to be that 'fat' now," or something along those lines,

(went and found it afterwards)

Anyways, that's not what was on my mind today.

Today... I'm thinking relationships. Or lack there of. With being newly single, it's definitely something to learn. Especially when you're a bit older. Dating and relationships. What is that anymore? I don't think girls get asked out on dates anymore. There's no romancing or woo-ing (haha).

It seems no one wants to be in a relationship, but they don't want you to be in one either. (That make sense?). No one wants to commit, no one wants to settle down. This world is crazy and moving so fast, I'm struggling to keep up.

I've lived my whole life wanting certain things. Never wanted too much, I don't think anyways. I just wanted an okay job, a nice house, a husband and a family. Clearly, too much. Haha. (I think I was born in the wrong decade).

There's so much freedom now-a-days, all the traveling and whatnot, who wants to settle down, really?!  So many options. Options for everything! One of the hardest decisions is what's for dinner these days! haha the struggle of having too many options. .. And I feel it's that way with people too. There's too many options and I suppose I can't blame anyone for not wanting to settle with just one of those options.... Who wants to settle for a chicken nugget when a filet mignon could be around the corner?

Haha I hope in the scheme of things, I'm worth more than being a nugget (even though they are quite delightful at times). But you get what I mean, why settle when there's just so much available to you. I get it.

I completely get it.
PB

Keeping the Faith

I see it and hear it all the time, but easier said than done. I tell myself I can be a strong independent woman, that anyone would be lucky to have me. But some days are harder than others to believe.

I struggle. And I get worn down. And I’m tired. The worst part, I feel guilty that I feel these things. I feel like in order to get on with life I need to be this superwoman, and that, I am not. I try my best to manage everything; work, the house, shopping, the puppies, chores after chores. Life has become a mundane viscious cycle and it brings me down when I stop and think about it.

I know, I know, ‘keep your head up,’ ‘keep on truckin,’ ‘things will get better,’ ‘you got this,’ ‘you’ll find someone.’ I read the affirmations often and try my best to believe. I want to succeed in life. I still want to be in love and have a family.

I have no option but to succeed!

Suppose I should sleep so I can repeat this track tomorrow..
Goodnight!
PB

Heather Stillufsen

 

I've been pretty obsessed with these Heather Stillufsen quotes that come up on my Pinterest. They're little reminders that things are going to work out. If I'm having a bad day, which still happens often, I tend to post a lot more than I should. But they do mean so much. I don't have to open up to anyone in order to get them, they're just out there for anyone to pick up. Anyone who needs a little confidence boost.

So, thank you to Heather for making these wonderful little affirmations!

Staying positive,
PB

Decision for Mediation

So as I said before, when my husband left, lets call him X for the sake of this blog... when X left, he was only supposed to be gone a week or so. It turned into him living with a friend, going out and getting extremely drunk and partying like a much younger person. I would see all this through various social media platforms...which later I would be blocked from. It was quiet bothersome.

Through this time, him and I still had some communication, but not much. (Communication was the killer for us. As a couple, we never really even argued about anything, I could probably count our arguments on one hand in the whole time we knew each other). Anyways, we had some communication afterward, the biggest part was actually through emails, believe it or not. All-in-all our relationship was just the two of us going through the motions and living together. Things weren't perfect before he left, obviously, and they were like that for some time.

To get a little personal with my side, as if this blog isn't personal enough (haha)... The reason I got married was because I wanted a family. I haven't wanted anything more in my life. When I first started dating X, he didn't want a family because of his childhood not being perfect, lets say. That should have been a big red flag since a family was so important to me. But! we seemed to get along so well and with our dating continuing, we had agreed on one child eventually. (I would have liked more, but who knows where it could have went from there... he also never wanted a dog, and now I have two...). As the relationship grew and time went on, there was always something that needed to be done first. I had to start and graduate college, get a better job, the house needed a million and one things to be done to it so it could be sold. Always something. And I realize now, that with all this passing time in our relationship, I witnessed the majority of our friends, family, and acquaintances starting their own families. I think this killed me inside. With each new couple starting their family, I died a bit more with jealousy. My heart kept breaking because why couldn't that be me? What did they have that I (we) didn't.

I suppose it's better now that we never did end up having children, cause I assume it would make a divorce a lot harder. Or maybe with a family our whole paths and relationship would be different. No one will ever know.

So how did we get to mediation? I watched, mostly silently, all the ridiculous videos of him and his friends going out and acting like teenage idiots.. I watched him enjoy his life to the fullest, without me. He went on vacations. He did whatever he pleased. Meanwhile, I was home, working and taking care of my pups. I wasn't allowed any freedom because I had responsibility. The breaking point for me was seeing something online, that I can't yet disclose, because I never even told him about it yet. So I saw this thing, and that was it, I knew that him saying he missed me was nothing more than fluff. That's when I decided to pull the trigger and contact a lawyer. ..Although, since I didn't want to be a complete asshole, I decided to give him the heads up that come Monday that's what I would be doing.

He was all against the lawyer and wanted to go to mediation. ..which still makes me suspicious with how adamant he was, but the cost was a big factor. Mediation is pretty costly enough..  This took months.. and it was already 4 months of him being gone before I made the decision to contact a lawyer. It was an emotional fuck going to the meetings. I usually broke down in some way before the end.. mostly in anger. I probably looked like an idiot, but I'm an emotional person, can't change that. I had to fight for self preservation. .. Finally, 6 months after he was gone, I said fine, lets go with what he wrote out for an agreement. .. And that's what we did. It's been almost a full year before we had the final agreement and just got it notarized. We still need to wait to go before a judge and all that wonderful stuff. I know I'll get emotional then too, I hope not, I let too much get to me.

I just hope after all is said and done, I still have time for my dream to come true. I'm staying strong and managing by myself, but deep down I know what I want is the same as I've always wanted out of my life.

Here's to staying strong and discovering me,
PB

Taking it back

So let's start this story at the beginning...

Once upon a time.....Justttt kidding. But really, the story goes back over 10 years. I was 22 then, working a job with no future. I never really was one to "go out," but decided to go with some girls at work. Why not? What could go wrong? ..This happened a few nights. On one occasion, I met a boy in a bar that I would, years later, call my husband. (Long story short).

Fast forward to today and I'm going through a divorce. As the kids say, "the struggle 'has been' real." That's why I'm starting this blog. I need some way to vent or share my story. If I turn out to be my only audience, that'll be okay. This is a blog for me, but made public. Maybe someone out there is going through the same, or has been where I am now. I welcome anyone to chime in, if not, that's okay too.

I'm not sure where to start my story or venting. A bit more background is that the physical split and living separately has been a year now. The issues were obviously there for some time prior, but we lacked communication and just kept going through the motions. We have no kids. However, I have my two fur babies with me still. They are my life. They are my struggle and they are my happiest moments. I don't know what I would do without them.

With this blog, I intend to write about my journey in divorce thus far, as well as my day-to-day encounters as they happen. I hope this can help me re-discover me and document my progress to achieving my lifetime goals and becoming a better person.

Stay tuned!

..Or not, that's okay too.

Until next time,
PB